Some nights, after the kids go to bed, my husband begins a big conversation about something that happened at work (he’s a CPA–yawn). I truly love him and these moments we can talk, without an almost five and seven-year-old fighting about the air they share, or a two-year-old attempting to climb to the top of the fridge; HOWEVER, occasionally, I don’t have it in me. I mean, it’s actually painful to even look interested. But I do, while my eyes glaze over. As he starts his story, I’ll begin thinking:
Is there still laundry in the washing machine?
Shit! There is! It’s been there all day!
Looks like I’ll be washing them again!
Wish I could hire someone to do my laundry!!
*Nods at husband.
I guess as a SAHM, that would be frowned upon, though.
Speaking of SAHMs, I need to finish that blog post.
God, I NEVER have as much time, as I’d like, to write!
HAHAHAHA I don’t have much time to do anything for myself!!
Shit, I let out a slight, bitter chuckle at that, while he was complaining about a rude comment from a client-I think. Did he catch that?
But for real, when did I even shower last?!
I’m sure my hair looks beyond greasy.
Wonder if he’s even observant to all of this grease, piled up in a ponytail? Is that something guys notice?
Oh please, Emily, I’m sure he sees your greasy hair! (and maybe smells your B.O).
But he’s sweet and would never say anything.
He’s not even the type of guy I’d worry about having an affair, due to a wife not showering.
“Geez, that’s crazy!” I hope that was an appropriate response?!
Hmm, but what if he’s the type that you wouldn’t think could be unfaithful, then BAM!–You find a note, with a lipstick kiss, in his work pants?!
No, hahaha, he’s such a cute nerd. He wouldn’t know how to cheat.
Shit! He just mentioned a Sarah. Is she helping with something, or a pain in the ass?? Just nod–that’s safe. Could he be sleeping with Sarah? Maybe she showers every day and doesn’t wear yoga pants. Maybe she tries to look nice on the daily! Maybe she wears fancy clothes, which are not covered in food and snot stains.
Ok, seriously, stop overanalyzing Sarah the temptress. I trust him.
You know what I don’t trust, though? The look on my face right now. He has to know that I’m not fully listening. ACT INTERESTED! Sigh. Whatever. Guys aren’t good at picking up on body language. I’m in the clear. But you know what?! I’M TIRED! Fuck this conversation! Blah blah blah. You had a shitty day with the partner-I think. I had a shitty day with three, little humans, who didn’t give me a break at all! Did you get to pee, alone, while at the office? Enough said. Your day was better.
Ok, I need to think of something to say to bring this to a conclusion…An exit, not giving him the impression that I’m in the mood.
*Yawn. “I’m sorry, Honey, but I’m going to go veg out on the couch, right now, and watch some TV. I have really bad cramps and need to put my legs up.” Good one!! Mentioning anything to do with Aunt Flo’s visit will definitely make him retreat!
Don’t get me wrong, I truly love this man I fell in love with in 2008, and married in 2011. He’s an amazing husband, and an even better father to our two girls. Nights like this don’t occur on a regular basis, but they definitely pop up from time to time. When they do, it’s literally impossible for me to have a deep and complex conversation with him.
Some days, my morning starts like a rocket blasting off. It ends with the shuttle racing back to earth. The time in between is full of whining, kissing boo boos, refereeing sibling fights, making meals, reading the same book ten times in a row, cleaning up messes, changing diapers, wiping marker off walls, peeing with an audience, and turning on the TV, just to get a few minutes of peace. On the bad days, I don’t have anything else to give of myself, once the bedtime routine is complete. Mustering up the energy, to give more of my thoughts, words, and love, to someone else, is difficult.
I’m not stupid, though. I’m sure there are also days, for my husband, when hearing me babble on and on about the kids, writing, or a mom friend, has him mentally checking out, listening with glazed eyes. Ahh, marriage with kids!