I originally wrote this for MockMoms.com. It’s satire and a definite source of laughter if you need it! I’m sure most of you parents, who are completely sleep deprived, can totally relate to this idea! XOXO~~Emily- The Sweet n’ Sour Mom)
Exhaustion. Every parent utters some of the following words, more than once, on a daily basis: Tired, exhausted, worn out, weary, fatigued, dog-tired, bone-tired, ready-to-drop, drained, zonked, enervated, etc. I could go on, but I’m sure you get the point.
This is why, a few months ago, married couple, Ryan and Lisa Delaney, made plans for a romantic getaway to celebrate their fifth wedding anniversary. A reservation at a historic and quaint B&B, located near a beach and winery, was charged to the credit card. The details were thought out with great care and everything was setup to guarantee a relaxing and memorable weekend; most importantly, kids would not be involved.
When being interviewed for an article about marriage after kids, Lisa exclaimed how excited she was about the trip. “In five years, our marriage has been consumed by two, little humans who constantly scream out demands for us. Mommy, wipe my butt! Daddy, fix this toy! Mommy, I need to watch you pee! Feed me, feed me, FEED ME!!!!!! At the end of the day, we’re both exhausted. There’s not much room left for intimacy between the two of us. If we do have a some time and energy, it’s usually rushed before someone is pounding on the locked door, crying to be let in.
I was looking forward to going away with Ryan to recharge and reconnect. I couldn’t wait to actually sit down and eat an entire meal without getting up twenty times to fill someone’s water cup, to finish a cup of coffee before it got cold, to pee without an audience, to sleep in, to have loud and crazy sex without worrying about who might hear, and to stroll along the beach, having an uninterrupted conversation, without answering 586 why questions.”
On that Friday in October, the kids were left with their grandparents, and the couple quickly fled said their goodbyes.
Returning, two days later, friends and family all agreed that Ryan and Lisa looked rested and younger. The kids wanted to know about the beach and asked if any shells were brought home for them. Grandma and Grandpa asked about the winery, wondering if a bottle was in the suitcase for them as a “thank you”.
“We didn’t see the beach or make it to the winery,” Ryan told them. The grandparents wondered where the changed plans took them. The children began crying about the absent gift of shells, but the rejuvenated couple were not phased by the whining in the least. Exchanging winks, Ryan and Lisa filled the family in.
Ryan explained, “We did, in fact, go to the B&B. When we arrived, we walked into our room and were instantly hit by a peaceful oasis. Lisa was ecstatic to not see a mountain of laundry and an unmade bed with throw pillows strewn about the room. The smell of lavender filled the air, instead of the normal fragrance we live with: Poop Diaper. Champagne was chilling on ice, and I asked her if she wanted to get a glass and go down to the beach. With a wild, crazy look in her eyes, she then took a running leap onto the king size bed, squealing like our four-year-old does when Paw Patrol comes on. She told me she’d rather nap first. Four hours later, we woke up hungry, and ordered food, enjoying every bite without having to share. Then, it was back to bed. I asked her the next morning if we should plan on going to the winery, but she insisted on eating breakfast in bed before taking a nap.
The rest of the weekend continued that way. As we were driving home, I asked Lisa if she felt guilty about paying to basically sleep the whole time. For a full five minutes, she maniacally laughed, tears rolling down her cheeks. Guilty!?!?!?!? She asked, looking at me as if I had just done the dishes without being asked. HELL TO THE NO!!! I’m a mom, and I just spent two days SLEEPING! That was the best trip money could buy!
Lisa, most moms reading your story, are more than likely screaming “DAMN STRAIGHT!!”