**NOTE: This is satire. (I feel the need to explain that because not everyone understands it haha!) I originally wrote this for Mockmoms.com**
If you walk into a bookstore (or browse through Amazon Kindle, since bookstores are becoming a dying species), you might notice a plethora of self-help books regarding sex after kids. Books, written by psychologists, to help women who feel that childbirth killed the spark in the bedroom. Advice for those who need to rekindle that forgotten, steamy romance, and find a little 50 Shades of Grey under their sheets.
However, what about those moms who want the opposite type of guidance? What about the moms who are up to their eyeballs with dirty diapers, whining, and sleepless nights, and the last thing they want is their husband’s hands groping her, under the covers, at night? Where can she turn, after having tiny humans on her all day, and the thought of one more (much bigger) human, on her, is nauseating?? Well, the answer to her problems has arrived, as a book, titled, How to Avoid Intimacy in Five Easy Steps.
Taken directly from the source, written by author Dr. Joyce Blotter, the following is a list of the steps, which are more detailed in the book:
1.COMPLAIN ABOUT NOT SHOWERING WITH A GREAT USE OF IMAGERY. “Don’t just tell your husband that you haven’t been able to shower in four days,” Dr. Blotter explains, “but discuss what the effects have been, as a result. Take a sniff of your pits and whine, ‘Not even deodorant is helping at this point!’ Show how long your leg hair has grown, and suggest a hair length challenge. Vent about the baby’s poop explosion getting everywhere, including on you, that day, and the only thing you had to clean up with was a baby wipe.
2.WALK AROUND IN GRANNY PANTIES. Take any sexy undies you might still have in your possession, from before kids, and toss them aside. Instead, strut around in the ones you wore during the ninth month of your pregnancies–The ones that cover your entire ass and go up past your belly button. Better yet, if you took home any of the fabulous mesh panties, from your postpartum days, wear those instead. You could even bring up how happy you are that the nightmare of the bleeding apocalypse, which occurred after childbirth, is no longer happening; however, the mesh underwear is just too comfy to give up. As soon as men hear the words “bleeding” and “vagina” together, they shrink up faster than cotton in hot water.
3. BE A SLOB. Keep your hair up in a ponytail. Change from one pair of yoga pants to another. When stains occur on your clothing from kid’s food, poop, and snot, just wipe it “clean”, but don’t bother switching shirts. You’re a mom napkin. Who has time for outfit changes?
4. BECOME AN ACTRESS AND FAKE SLEEP. Make sure you go to sleep before Hubby. Wear pajamas which cover your entire body and are difficult to take off. When he whispers are you sleeping, snore. Loudly. Then, sleepily mumble about being soooooo tired, and how the “damn kids make you constantly exhausted”.
5. FORGET ABOUT MAKING HIM HIS FAVORITE MEALS. If you were always thinking about what he liked, when preparing dinner, stop now. Why go through the hassle of making a wonderful dish that the kids will just hate, anyway?? His new, favorite foods will now become chicken nuggets, mac n’ cheese, and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches–with ketchup for everything.
You might also want to start talking to him with the same tone you use for the kids. Instead of, “Honey, you look so handsome in that shirt,” try, “Honey, I don’t know if that shirt goes with those pants. Would you like some help?? Come on, how about I give you two choices, and you can choose?! This will be so much fun!!”
How to Avoid intimacy in Five Easy Steps will be released this summer. Grab your girlfriends who feel the same way, your granny panties, greasy hair, stained shirts, and a bottle of wine, and have a fun book club party!
You can also, with a purchase of your book, order a “I Avoid Intimacy Like My Kids Avoid Vegetables” shirt for 50% off, if you preorder a copy today, so act fast!